Weary

I'm quite frankly, tired of being on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute I'm happy and energetic, the next minute I'm depressed and exhausted. I really wish my heart would just make up her damn mind! The very minute something starts to interest me or I start to feel somewhat... normal, my heart has to go and ruin it all!

I really do hate missing him. I know he no longer loves me. I know. I know he doesn't want me. I call my little girl every night while she's visiting him and when I speak with her, I'm silently praying he wants to speak to me too. But he never does. Sometimes he sounds almost happy to hear my voice. Other times he sounds as though I'm just a huge bother. I really wish he would stop causing my heart to flutter and flip. I know he's not actually doing anything. It's all me. I just can't seem to learn, to train myself. I have 2 years worth of this emotional ride of turmoil? Seriously?

In Him

I have to say that during this entire time, I've been trying to find the right path back to the Lord. I pray and quite often, but it always ends up being selfish. The thing is, I long to speak to my Pastor. But he's over 900 miles away where my church sits. *sigh*

God brought me through a lot of things in my short 30 years. I know there's always a purpose for the way things go. And I know that, while there is a path intended for you to take, and you step off that path, God merely sets new paths before you. There is always a "correct" path, as it were, to keep in the direction towards what He's set for you. It's just a matter of taking that right path. The problem with me is, I think I keep ignoring the path He sets in front of me, both unknowingly and knowing. Sucks, man.

The paths I took that brought me to my husband... There was a reason that path was indeed chosen for me. Which I've come to believe my daughter was that reason. Flash forward to these days, through my ramblings here right? What's the Lord's plan now? Is He speaking to me and I cannot hear? Is He telling me to continue to hold on to my hope with a steel like gripe? Or is that simply me ignoring Him possibly telling me it's time to let go? I wish I knew.

A Cure

I wish I knew what the cure was for a broken heart.  I keep getting the same story over and over again; time.  I'm so sick of hearing that answer.  Time.  Fuck time.  I want to have a lighter heart right now, damnit.  You know?  Science can make all kinds of medications and surgeries and things for all kinds of ailments.  Why the hell can't they figure out how to block this kind of pain?  It's stupid really, in my opinion. 

Honestly, when we spoke last week, and hearing him tell me the things he told me, it really did ease some of the pain.  Knowing that the last decade wasn't a fake.  He gave me a kind of hope too.  And part of me wishes he hadn't.  Holding on to the hope that just maybe, here in the future, we will be together again, hurts worse then I could have ever imagined.  Does he think of me like I think of him?  Does he look forward to that sort of future like I look forward to it? 

I was always told that I had a heart like my grandmother.  It could either be a gift or a curse.  These days I see it as a curse.  Stupid heart, man.  Seriously. 

If your head tells you one thing and your heart tells you another, before you do anything, decide first whether you have a better head or a better heart. - Albert Einstein

Is It Unhealthy

Just how unhealthy is it to listen to broken hearted songs over and over again, crying as you try and sing along, looking at old memories and pictures and things?  That's all I do late at night before bed.  Smoke my cigarettes, one after the other as I do these things.  Smoking, yeah, bad for your health, etc. etc.... I'm speaking of the other stuff, yeah?

Trying

Today was relatively decent.  I was able to do my daily routine and then some without dwelling overly much on my husband.  Took pics of my sister in law's puppies.  Taught her some things in Photoshop.  Went grocery shopping... blah blah, it worked pretty well.  Now, of course, I'm sitting here and beginning to think again. 

Why did all this happen?  God, I love him.  Doesn't he know I love him?  I wish I knew if he still loved me.  I want him to.  I never thought such a hole could be created inside of me.  And become permanent.  I don't think anything could fill it save him.  I wish he would fill it, make me whole again. 

I'm an Open Book

I wrote a very long letter the other night.  Well, actually, I've been writing on that letter for the last 3 days.  It was to my husband.  I wasn't going to send it, merely using it as a way to get down thoughts, you know?  But this morning, while I was sitting here doing my morning routine, I decided to send it.  Via email of course.  I have no idea if he'll get it.  And if he does, if he'll read it.  I hope he does.

I've always been one of those people that could never quite get their thoughts and opinions out when speaking to a person.  I would act before I think, speak before I think, get angry, upset... etc. you get the drift.  I took up writing out letters and such as a form to reach out and do just as I was wanting when needing to get across to another person.  My husband knows I'm like this.  Hell, he knows I'm simply long winded as it is, lol.  Thus, the letter.  It explains lots of things.  Above all else, however, it repeatedly reminds him of just how much I love him.  I hope he is not put off by my letter.

In any case, I simply hope it will help out future relationship when it pertains to our daughter.  Whether or not we do ever find our paths merging once more, that's beside the point.  I simply want to get along on a nice, trusting, friendly level with him.  I have to, it kills me that we weren't.

Finding Strength

I've been writing my daily life down for months now in a notebook.  And then I decided, why not blog it?  People love to read blogs, especially about drama and other type right?  Thus, here, this will be my private little blog about finding strength and courage to take on another day.

See, I'm looking for strength and courage because my husband and I have separated and quite possibly for good.  It's taken a serious toll on me.  Especially since we have a child together.  While I wake up in the morning and try and find a reason to smile and move on, I must be certain my daughter is healthy, happy, and enjoying every day.  I find this so hard simply because... I miss my husband and still love him deeply.

I'm not sure my heart will ever heal.  It yearns and bleeds and weeps.  The other half of my soul is gone.  And finding something to fill the void hasn't been easy.  Still isn't easy to be honest.  But I'm dealing.  It hurts so much.  This pain is worse then child birth, worse then a broken leg, worse then being burned.  I never thought I'd be capable of living through such pain.

Anyway, I suppose this is my first post.  Tomorrow will be a new day.  I will be posting everyday for as long as I live in this pain.