Is It Unhealthy

Just how unhealthy is it to listen to broken hearted songs over and over again, crying as you try and sing along, looking at old memories and pictures and things?  That's all I do late at night before bed.  Smoke my cigarettes, one after the other as I do these things.  Smoking, yeah, bad for your health, etc. etc.... I'm speaking of the other stuff, yeah?

Trying

Today was relatively decent.  I was able to do my daily routine and then some without dwelling overly much on my husband.  Took pics of my sister in law's puppies.  Taught her some things in Photoshop.  Went grocery shopping... blah blah, it worked pretty well.  Now, of course, I'm sitting here and beginning to think again. 

Why did all this happen?  God, I love him.  Doesn't he know I love him?  I wish I knew if he still loved me.  I want him to.  I never thought such a hole could be created inside of me.  And become permanent.  I don't think anything could fill it save him.  I wish he would fill it, make me whole again. 

I'm an Open Book

I wrote a very long letter the other night.  Well, actually, I've been writing on that letter for the last 3 days.  It was to my husband.  I wasn't going to send it, merely using it as a way to get down thoughts, you know?  But this morning, while I was sitting here doing my morning routine, I decided to send it.  Via email of course.  I have no idea if he'll get it.  And if he does, if he'll read it.  I hope he does.

I've always been one of those people that could never quite get their thoughts and opinions out when speaking to a person.  I would act before I think, speak before I think, get angry, upset... etc. you get the drift.  I took up writing out letters and such as a form to reach out and do just as I was wanting when needing to get across to another person.  My husband knows I'm like this.  Hell, he knows I'm simply long winded as it is, lol.  Thus, the letter.  It explains lots of things.  Above all else, however, it repeatedly reminds him of just how much I love him.  I hope he is not put off by my letter.

In any case, I simply hope it will help out future relationship when it pertains to our daughter.  Whether or not we do ever find our paths merging once more, that's beside the point.  I simply want to get along on a nice, trusting, friendly level with him.  I have to, it kills me that we weren't.