I'm an Open Book

I wrote a very long letter the other night.  Well, actually, I've been writing on that letter for the last 3 days.  It was to my husband.  I wasn't going to send it, merely using it as a way to get down thoughts, you know?  But this morning, while I was sitting here doing my morning routine, I decided to send it.  Via email of course.  I have no idea if he'll get it.  And if he does, if he'll read it.  I hope he does.

I've always been one of those people that could never quite get their thoughts and opinions out when speaking to a person.  I would act before I think, speak before I think, get angry, upset... etc. you get the drift.  I took up writing out letters and such as a form to reach out and do just as I was wanting when needing to get across to another person.  My husband knows I'm like this.  Hell, he knows I'm simply long winded as it is, lol.  Thus, the letter.  It explains lots of things.  Above all else, however, it repeatedly reminds him of just how much I love him.  I hope he is not put off by my letter.

In any case, I simply hope it will help out future relationship when it pertains to our daughter.  Whether or not we do ever find our paths merging once more, that's beside the point.  I simply want to get along on a nice, trusting, friendly level with him.  I have to, it kills me that we weren't.

Finding Strength

I've been writing my daily life down for months now in a notebook.  And then I decided, why not blog it?  People love to read blogs, especially about drama and other type right?  Thus, here, this will be my private little blog about finding strength and courage to take on another day.

See, I'm looking for strength and courage because my husband and I have separated and quite possibly for good.  It's taken a serious toll on me.  Especially since we have a child together.  While I wake up in the morning and try and find a reason to smile and move on, I must be certain my daughter is healthy, happy, and enjoying every day.  I find this so hard simply because... I miss my husband and still love him deeply.

I'm not sure my heart will ever heal.  It yearns and bleeds and weeps.  The other half of my soul is gone.  And finding something to fill the void hasn't been easy.  Still isn't easy to be honest.  But I'm dealing.  It hurts so much.  This pain is worse then child birth, worse then a broken leg, worse then being burned.  I never thought I'd be capable of living through such pain.

Anyway, I suppose this is my first post.  Tomorrow will be a new day.  I will be posting everyday for as long as I live in this pain.