I'm quite frankly, tired of being on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute I'm happy and energetic, the next minute I'm depressed and exhausted. I really wish my heart would just make up her damn mind! The very minute something starts to interest me or I start to feel somewhat... normal, my heart has to go and ruin it all!
I really do hate missing him. I know he no longer loves me. I know. I know he doesn't want me. I call my little girl every night while she's visiting him and when I speak with her, I'm silently praying he wants to speak to me too. But he never does. Sometimes he sounds almost happy to hear my voice. Other times he sounds as though I'm just a huge bother. I really wish he would stop causing my heart to flutter and flip. I know he's not actually doing anything. It's all me. I just can't seem to learn, to train myself. I have 2 years worth of this emotional ride of turmoil? Seriously?
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
In Him
I have to say that during this entire time, I've been trying to find the right path back to the Lord. I pray and quite often, but it always ends up being selfish. The thing is, I long to speak to my Pastor. But he's over 900 miles away where my church sits. *sigh*
God brought me through a lot of things in my short 30 years. I know there's always a purpose for the way things go. And I know that, while there is a path intended for you to take, and you step off that path, God merely sets new paths before you. There is always a "correct" path, as it were, to keep in the direction towards what He's set for you. It's just a matter of taking that right path. The problem with me is, I think I keep ignoring the path He sets in front of me, both unknowingly and knowing. Sucks, man.
The paths I took that brought me to my husband... There was a reason that path was indeed chosen for me. Which I've come to believe my daughter was that reason. Flash forward to these days, through my ramblings here right? What's the Lord's plan now? Is He speaking to me and I cannot hear? Is He telling me to continue to hold on to my hope with a steel like gripe? Or is that simply me ignoring Him possibly telling me it's time to let go? I wish I knew.
God brought me through a lot of things in my short 30 years. I know there's always a purpose for the way things go. And I know that, while there is a path intended for you to take, and you step off that path, God merely sets new paths before you. There is always a "correct" path, as it were, to keep in the direction towards what He's set for you. It's just a matter of taking that right path. The problem with me is, I think I keep ignoring the path He sets in front of me, both unknowingly and knowing. Sucks, man.
The paths I took that brought me to my husband... There was a reason that path was indeed chosen for me. Which I've come to believe my daughter was that reason. Flash forward to these days, through my ramblings here right? What's the Lord's plan now? Is He speaking to me and I cannot hear? Is He telling me to continue to hold on to my hope with a steel like gripe? Or is that simply me ignoring Him possibly telling me it's time to let go? I wish I knew.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
A Cure
I wish I knew what the cure was for a broken heart. I keep getting the same story over and over again; time. I'm so sick of hearing that answer. Time. Fuck time. I want to have a lighter heart right now, damnit. You know? Science can make all kinds of medications and surgeries and things for all kinds of ailments. Why the hell can't they figure out how to block this kind of pain? It's stupid really, in my opinion.
Honestly, when we spoke last week, and hearing him tell me the things he told me, it really did ease some of the pain. Knowing that the last decade wasn't a fake. He gave me a kind of hope too. And part of me wishes he hadn't. Holding on to the hope that just maybe, here in the future, we will be together again, hurts worse then I could have ever imagined. Does he think of me like I think of him? Does he look forward to that sort of future like I look forward to it?
I was always told that I had a heart like my grandmother. It could either be a gift or a curse. These days I see it as a curse. Stupid heart, man. Seriously.
Honestly, when we spoke last week, and hearing him tell me the things he told me, it really did ease some of the pain. Knowing that the last decade wasn't a fake. He gave me a kind of hope too. And part of me wishes he hadn't. Holding on to the hope that just maybe, here in the future, we will be together again, hurts worse then I could have ever imagined. Does he think of me like I think of him? Does he look forward to that sort of future like I look forward to it?
I was always told that I had a heart like my grandmother. It could either be a gift or a curse. These days I see it as a curse. Stupid heart, man. Seriously.
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